The Gospel According to Deadbeat Hatemonger Yashar Ali

The Earth was once a molten globule of iron and lead, inhospitable and toxic for several billion years. But then it simmered and cooled and life flowered upon it. For a thousand thousand years, humans crawled, clambered, then ultimately crowned the world. Along the way, we accrued hard-won wisdom. We progressed upward, ever upward, to the zenith, the very pinnacle of intellectual and spiritual excellence.

To, apparently, Yashar Ali.


The great religions have had their seers and prophets—those who have led the way for multitudes and offered inspiration, hope and truth: Buddha, Jesus, Muhammad, Moses.

And now Yashar Ali.

Let us reflect on Yashar Ali’s words: “Seriously, f—k you.”

Let us sit at his feet and ponder the deep meaning embodied in “You dumb f—k.”

True to his word, Yashar stalks and harasses Scientologists to such an extent that his own disciples call his rants “deranged,” “insane,” and “ridiculous.”

Like many ascended masters, Yashar Ali is focused on a mission, one which he pursues with purpose and drive: his unwavering hatred for the Church of Scientology. As he has said, “I am committed to the destruction of Scientology no matter what.” True to his word, Yashar stalks and harasses Scientologists to such an extent that his own disciples call his rants “deranged,” “insane,” and “ridiculous.” But Yashar Ali will not compromise his vision. When accused by an X (Twitter) account of being “an anti-Scientology bigot,” he minced no words in his response: “True.”

Like Buddha and Moses, who were raised as princes, Yashar Ali was once the scion of a wealthy and influential family. Oh, wait. He said he was, but he wasn’t? Oh, well, scratch that.

Let’s try this: Like so many sages before him, Yashar Ali took vows of poverty, rejecting worldly goods and comfort… What? Oh—there were no vows of poverty? He’s just dead broke, was evicted from multiple residences, habitually defaults on loans and owes Uncle Sam tens of thousands of dollars in tax liens? OK…

Well. Um. How about we run this up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes: It has been said of those who wish to truly know the sages of the world that these giants are not on any chart; you must find them in your heart. And so it is with Yashar…

Oh—he has no address because he prefers to crash on the sofas of rich women? I guess that’s a bit different…

One more shot: Ahem. Like many philosophers, Yashar Ali’s actions are often mysterious—inscrutable to mere mortals, with the true meaning unveiled only after centuries of debate and discussion among scholars. For example, why did he exchange pleasantries and fist bump his LA Magazine interviewer only to sue that publication shortly after?

Oh—it’s because they blew the whistle on his deadbeat lifestyle, and the hundreds of thousands of dollars he owes oil heiress Ariadne Getty and never paid back? And he lost that LA Mag lawsuit and now must pony up their legal expenses to the tune of $39,710? My goodness. And he’s now losing followers by the tens of thousands due to his continued maniacal and obscene postings?

And even his lawyer has dumped him?

You know what? Could we just have a moment to see if there’s anything about Yashar that isn’t degraded, hypocritical and unhinged?

(Five days later.)

Um. Possibly we could do a cooking column instead?