Dear Leah Remini:
I was busy cleaning my cat’s litter box when it suddenly hit me: you have an important day this week!
Yes! It’s the first anniversary of your courageous testimony on behalf of serial rapist Paul Haggis, a predator you have staunchly stood by, ignoring abused and beaten individuals crying out for justice. You alone—against the tsunami of evidence providing incontrovertible proof to jury and judge that this embarrassment to the species was guilty, guilty, guilty—you and you alone were able to reach deep down into your soul and swear on a Bible, “It is Paul who is the victim here.”
As of one year ago, you officially added “rapist defender” to your resumé.
A year ago you choked back the stench of Haggis’ foul crimes and testified that he was “a decent man.” Can time have flown by so fast? A year and a day ago you were merely a religion-hating bigot whose rants had caused widespread threats, property damage and violence against Scientologists. One would think that, at your age, you would rest on your laurels, satisfied that there were no more worlds to conquer, no more blood to sully your already bloodied hands. In short, no further depths down which to plummet. But you proved the naysayers wrong. As of one year ago, you officially added “rapist defender” to your resumé.
But you went beyond even that. You victim shamed Haggis’ many accusers, calling them all liars. And so, by once again championing Evil versus Good, you marked yourself for distinction as the only Hollywood woman to turn against her sisters and proudly stand alone—culpable through complicity, accessory through abetment.
Tradition demands a paper gift for a first anniversary. Therefore stationery would be most appropriate. But why give you paper and pen, Leah? After all, for years you’ve been perfectly competent at retching wastewater and sewage without props—directly from your mouth to any cyber platform that revels in hate. So what to do for a gift? A mere card alone just won’t do!
Happily, Brides Magazine, the go-to authority on such things, affords us a cunning alternative to paper for this, your very special anniversary! It recommends, “It’s great to find something like a clock, to commemorate the passage of time and your long journey ahead.”
Perfect! As your career hangs in tatters around you, and as you stand alone, abandoned by sponsors, agents, producers and the decent people of the world, it would be a comfort to hear the tick-tick-tick of a clock, counting down the seconds, hours and months until your second anniversary, your fifth, your tenth, your twentieth…
It’s your first anniversary, Leah Remini, and, to quote Brides, you have a long journey ahead.
A long, long journey.