Shape-Shifting Lizards From Outer Space!

Astounding but true! According to multiple studies, upwards of 12 million Americans, or 4 percent of the population, believe that the world is secretly run by shape-shifting lizards from outer space! That’s more than the total population of U.S. Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists and Mormons, and millions more than the 4-8 million estimated U.S. Jewish population.

Frightened woman in black and white
Photo by Everett Collection/Shutterstock.com

A dire situation, to be sure, but wait—there’s more! According to a 2017 study by the Innovation Center of American Dairies, nearly TWICE that figure, at 7 percent, believe that CHOCOLATE MILK COMES FROM BROWN COWS! Surely these folks must have been snoozing during farming class.

But hold on to your smelling salts, it gets worse! According to a recent demographic survey of 240 countries conducted by Pew Research Center, a whopping 5.8 BILLION people actually believe in things that can’t be seen, heard or touched by the physical senses nor verified by conventional science. These people, who identify themselves as belonging to some faith or other, comprise—are you sitting down?—85 PERCENT of the civilized world.

Unconscionable! Unspeakable! Execrable!

Who let these nuts out of their caves? Just look at them! Praying—to what? Believing—in who? I don’t see anyone—do you see anyone?

Yes, ours is a world of weirdos, lurking at every corner, awaiting their chance to lurch into your space and dirty it with their strange ideas. Who can one trust?

There isn’t a soul alive today who does not hold a belief or live by a personal truth that doesn’t look weird or loony to someone somewhere else who believes something different.

These people clearly need to be labeled and gotten off our streets, lest they poison normal people with their crazy ideas. Write your newspaper! Write your Congressman! Where’s my pen?

They walk among us, these people with strange ideas, from lizard-leaders to believers that chocolate milk comes from brown cows; to Jews to Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Scientologists, Mormons, mimes, foreigners, Republicans, Democrats, vegetarians, palm readers, proctologists, bicycle riders and on and on.

Brown cows
Photo by Peter Stroynowski/Shutterstock.com

Legislation should be levied that protects normal people from being infected by these wretches.

Avoid them, along with people who don’t look like you, who talk funny, wear odd things on their heads, and are just, well, let’s be blunt: DIFFERENT.

And if you can’t avoid them, make fun of them; and if you can’t make fun of them, beat them up; and if you can’t do that, then lock them out of your home, your country, your life.

But before you do that, consider this:

There isn’t a soul alive today who does not hold a belief or live by a personal truth that doesn’t look weird or loony to someone somewhere else who believes something different. There’s not one single person in the world whose looks, clothes, speech and customs don’t appear completely out of whack when taken out of the context of their own group.

It’s almost too embarrassingly elementary to have to actually state this, but here goes: Just because someone’s not like you is no reason to censure, ostracize, exclude or otherwise harm him or her.

As for me, I sincerely believe that Washington, D.C.’s major-league ball club could win the World Series this year and bring a championship to that town for the first time since 1924. I know that sounds weird, but it’s what I believe, so please, don’t judge me on that basis. I’m sure if we look hard enough, we can find some redeeming quality about me somewhere.

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