Do Aliens Believe in Scientologists?

It was one of those cloudless, perfect 74-degree days. My work was all caught up, so my wife and I decided to play hooky and go to the zoo.

The most popular attraction is always the chimp enclosure, where people get to sit and laugh at the antics of the resident troupe—a caricature and mirror of human society.

Chimpanzees in committee (Patrick Rolands /

You had the alpha male, “the CEO,” whose only concern was demonstrating his power and bothering the females. Then there was the lesser male, “the politician,” who ran around making a lot of noise, pretending to be the boss. Then the alpha female “Big Mama” who organized everyone and kept them in line. Then the common troupe members, “the crowd,” who followed along without question, and finally the “reporter” who caused constant trouble and attempted to demonstrate intellectual superiority by throwing poop. All the chimps at the zoo had evidently accepted their situation, as none were attempting to find their way out of it, which leads me to the point of this blog.

Along with all the other garbage that people seem to consider important on both social and mass media, I have to deal with that portion of our own “chimp” society that follows the other chimps as they try to sum up Scientology, by hooting and screeching that “Scientologists believe in aliens.” Brilliant….

OK. For the moment, let’s set aside the fact that at least 75 percent of Americans admit to either “believing” in life beyond Earth, or at least the high probability that it exists. Let’s also set aside the lesser-known fact that Scientology is completely unconcerned with “belief” except when an individual’s belief traps, halts or stifles an individual’s happiness, sanity or intellectual advancement. At that point Scientology comes in very handy in assisting people to examine and reevaluate the beliefs that hold them back.

I think the more entertaining question is “Do aliens believe in Scientologists?” (Huh…?)

Well, assuming that there are other life forms advanced enough to travel here, the first question is “Why the hell would they bother?” The most reasonable explanation I can come up with is the same reason everyone enjoys going to the chimp enclosure at the zoo. Entertainment.

(Photo credit Sergey Uryadnikov / Shutterstock)

Come on. Let’s be honest here. For the most part, about all our human society can boast of is having taken basic chimp behavior to an unbelievably absurd extreme. It’s not a stretch to think that everything we find humorous and entertaining in a chimp enclosure could be equally as entertaining to an alien life form watching us. We do a lot of hooting and screaming about irrelevant crap. Squabble over food and territory. Constantly concern ourselves over social standing, seeking to be the “Boss Ape.” We even make a big deal out of the simple act of reproduction, and we sure throw around a lot of metaphorical poop. The only difference seems to be that a good portion of our “troupe” is still looking for a way out of the zoo.

The matter of human advancement has always been a matter of increasing awareness and knowledge. Awareness, detection, differentiation and the exploration that leads to increasing these abilities. Those are the qualities that allow us humans to sit outside the chimp enclosure. It is the lack of those qualities that keeps the chimps inside.

A very observant “alien” might see that some of us human “chimps” are not satisfied with the status quo and are constantly working at freedom from the intellectual, mental, spiritual, social and societal confines which everyone else accepts. It is not only a quest by Scientologists, but of kindred spirits in science, the arts and religion. It might even make us the most entertaining members of the troupe.

So now to the question: Do aliens believe in Scientologists? Who knows? Who cares? Just as in the original, reverse statement, it’s neither relevant nor important… Except for giving certain “chimps” an excuse to hoot, screech and throw poop.

Rodger Clark
Contractor, history buff, compulsive learner, currently in recovery from authoritarian education.